A Fresh Start

I don’t pretend that my life has been anything other than ridiculously blessed and easy.  Yes, I’ve had things to cry about, but all in all I’ve had it good.  School came easy to me (minus the few anxieties).  I had a large group of friends…played nice with everyone on the playground.  I got into my school of choice…became an education major (just like mom), and graduated with honors.  I was offered the graduate assistant position…so grad school was free.

So here I am…looking for a job.  It’s not being handed to me…go figure.  I’m not saying that I didn’t work hard…because I worked my ass off.  But I know that most of my current success stems from opportunities provided for me.

So yes, if I stayed in this town I would have a teaching job.  I have the connections.  So why am I looking a gift horse in the mouth?  It’s a recession.  I’m being a dick.

I just want a fresh start.  I want that feeling you get when no one knows you, like you can start over…smooth down your rough edges.  So people can see a more polished you…they don’t know that you are socially awkward…or swear too much…or end up being mean when you tell a joke.  You can be a better you.

I want a chance to fail.  To reside somewhere without a safety net.  I have to know if I’m even capable of it.  I worry sometimes…that I’m too dependent upon those in my life.

I feel terrible because the people in this town are worth staying for, I don’t know what I would have done without them.  But I can’t grow here.  I can feel myself…stuck, unmoving.  I can’t stay here.

And maybe I’ll wind up somewhere that doesn’t reach my fantasies.  Maybe I’ll simply carry that baggage to a new town…but I have to try.

 

I’m going to be melodramatic…but I have to write this down.

I’m very happy, but I’m also lonely.  I’m going to be 24 next week…still single…still fucking unkissed.  I just fucking fantasize about holding a guy’s hand…or watching a movie together with his arms around me.  I imagine what it must feel like to have someone’s face close to yours…with a look in their eye that is only for you.  Someone who can look past all these damn walls I’ve put up…it’s such a damn cliche but I know they’re there. 

I realized the other day that most of my fantasies are me, but a better version of me.  How do you imagine someone caressing your face when you have acne?  So in my dream world I have flawless skin…and weigh ten pounds lighter…and I’m not even sure it’s me.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that has issues…I just need to write this down.

I was never a sad drunk…I think it’s because I save it all up for when I’m alone…at my computer…typing…you’re welcome.

I’m pretty sure I deserve better…and I know it won’t happen here.  I can’t wait anymore.

I need a fucking fresh start.

Facebook is amazing.

Sometimes I gripe about Facebook, but honestly, it’s made our generation so interesting.  Would I really keep track of so many friendships without it?  No.  Because I’m lazy.

But I’m writing this for a special reason…a special facebooking.  This evening I was reminded of someone I hadn’t thought about in awhile…Dale.  *Sigh*

Let’s start from the beginning.  I first met Dale through a friend’s friend, let’s call him Ryan, cause that’s his name.  It was a summer evening.  We were at Ryan’s apartment…playing “Rainbow Jumbling Tower” a colorful Jenga knockoff.  I was wearing this shirt…that used to be a dress but I cut it…with one of my mom’s flower pins I randomly found…pretty dressed up for me. 

Anywho.

So it’s me, Ryan, Minda, and Dale.  Let me tell you…he’s handsome, charming, super nice, and I fell in love.  It was a superficial love, but love nonetheless.  Now, falling for a practical stranger is nothing new to me.  I find future husbands all around me…without their consent!  But something made this different..that difference?  Hope.

Back when I used the AIM my friend Minda was talking to myself and Ryan (I could never multi-task like that).  Through this I found out that Dale had said I was pretty and Ryan felt that he may have a baby crush on me.

This was fucking huge people…a crush…on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Get the fuck out.  My eyes got misty at my computer because I hadn’t heard “me” and “pretty” together that often (this would have been my senior year in college btw).  I was so damn excited.

The issue…he didn’t have AIM or facebook, and I wasn’t going to school in my hometown (where he resided).  So I had to let it go.

A couple of months later Ryan was going to a party in Pittsburgh…me and Minda went with him…Dale was there!!  Holy shit!  Kill me!  I got fairly drunk off of orange vodka.  As we drunkenly planned sleeping arrangements I decided to take one half of the futon.  I’m remember laying there in a daze, hearing Ryan and Minda argue about Buddhism…Dale came in and mentioned Theraveda Buddhism…but he couldn’t remember the other one…so I drunkenly whispered “Mahayana”.  That should have impressed him right?  Cheese in Rice.

Well, that evening Dale and I shared the futon…completely innocent mind you.  Though I did flip out when our elbows touched.  It was amazing.  It was around 4am, me, Ryan, and Minda were still talking…Dale was asleep.  Now, I may have “accidentally” pushed the puppy Lucy on to him to wake him up.  It’s a mystery that will never be solved.  But he woke and joined in on our conversations.

I woke up that morning to him getting ready for church.

Are you kidding me?  Stop being perfect!

After that night I was told he was joining the Navy.

I don’t know if he ever did.

But he’s on Facebook now.

And I asked him to be my friend.

I know it’s not going anywhere…but I thank the Lord for the interweb.

Goodnight.

Scenario 2

Tomas,

I was buying some theater tickets for my boss.  You were working the box office.  You are Irish.  I made jokes about being a poor college student, brought up Nunzi’s…you laughed.  You love the food there too.  My boss and I walk away from your booth, but I can’t help but want to say one more thing, “why aren’t you wearing the plum shirt?”.  I’m so charming…how could you resist me?

It’s the night of the event and you’re working the booth again.  You notice I’m not with my boss as they hand in their tickets (I was only fake buying them so we could get a discount…sorry).  You ask about me.  You get my first name and immediately look me up on facebook (because that’s what our generation does).  Find my profile?  Yes, I am witty.  And isn’t it cute that I don’t have a real picture…but one that a student drew of me?  How clever.  You decide to send me a message and ask to be my friend….thus starts our whirlwind romance.  Because what good is facebook if I can’t use it as a springboard to find my future husband?

I’ll give you my number and you’ll call me and talk Irish to me, we’ll be married in Ireland.  It will be beautiful.

Green has always been my favorite color.

The end.

Scenario 1

Hello Special Education teacher I sometimes see at the school…

I like the fact that you aren’t rail thin.  And I like your short curly brown hair.  I like the fact that you always say hello to me…you have a nice smile.

I imagine that we start talking one day on my way out from school.  We talk about Edison and our kids.  You hadn’t planned on going into special education, but once you got the job you loved it and decided you didn’t want to do anything else.  I love that about you.  You can’t help but be spellbound by my charm and end up asking for my number.

Then you fall in love with me.

It’s going to be awesome.

Plenty of Fish; Plenty of Anxiety

So this is the site I just registered for…and my inbox has been blowin’ up!

Actually, I’ve received maybe, 7 messages…even after I added my picture!  Hey!

Here’s the thing though…I’m too scared.  I’m afraid of leading someone on, I’m afraid that I don’t know the right ettiquette.  Do I have to respond to everyone that messages me?  Am I a bitch if I don’t?  They can tell if I look at their profile…so they know I’ve looked…but I haven’t replied (I haven’t replied to anyone, but they don’t know that).  Will I give them a complex? 

Or is this all some preventive-rejection bullshit.  Turn them down before they can turn me down…

But I don’t think it is…they’ve already contacted me.  I don’t like guys talking to me!  I’m too nervous for this! 

One guy wrote me a message saying that I seemed to be one of the most normal girls on the site.  Normal?  Playa please.

Also, if I do respond to a message… does that automatically send the signal that I’m interested?  Am I somehow committed now?  I DON’T KNOW.

This shit is overwhelming.

I’ll keep you/myself posted.

P.S.  Is it also wrong that messages/profiles with bad grammar drive me up the fucking wall.  I’m so damn judgmental!

Socially Inept…but Online

I don’t know why people have a negative idea of online dating.  I just see it as a natural progression.  Our generation uses the interact for “social interaction” all the time.  It’s the information superhighway!  You can date on highways.

I get scared of it, not because it’s online, but because it’s dating.  This has never been a strong area for me.  What do I put in the profile?  Something real..or what I wish I was?  What picture should I use?  Should I list all kinds of music, or play it cool with just one band?  What book titles will make me look intellectual, yet down-to-earth?  Fuck.  People never have this much time to plan their first impressions.  You don’t usually get to proofread.

I’ve signed up for sites before, and nothing ever came of it, but I do love to search profiles.  Nothing is more fun than surfing Craigslist.  Would I like to have a discreet evening with a married men?  You have to ask?  Or am I “looking for a nice guy who’s looking for a nice girl”?

*sigh*

It’s fun and frustrating.

I just sent a message to someone on one of these sites.  I don’t expect anything to come of it, but damn it!  Obama’s in the white house..change is here…I can get a date!

HAVE SOME PILLS!

So my school client (the more aggressive one…not the dinosaur one) just started a new medication today.  HUGE difference.  I know it’s a generic form of ritalin, so it’s a stimulant.  He had no aggressive behaviors today…and only some whining, but no tantruming.

I should’ve been esctatic right?

And I am happy.  That’s great for him, and even greater for the family if the effects of the medication stay with him in the home…

But he didn’t smile as much today.  He spent more time self-stimming (and yes, I know not to encourage that behavior).  He also barely ate all day…this is a kid who ate breakfast, lunch, and two snacks while at school.  Today…one chicken patty and three gummy bears.

I suppose it’s naive to wish for a happy medium.  I’m sure most people will be happy with the “new” him as long as he’s calm.  (But really, who am I to judge, I see him at school, I don’t live with him).

It’s just so strange.


Disclaimer

Any humor I use in regards to my clients with autism is a reflection of my own ineptness. In no way am I mocking or making a joke of them. Only myself.