I don’t pretend that my life has been anything other than ridiculously blessed and easy. Yes, I’ve had things to cry about, but all in all I’ve had it good. School came easy to me (minus the few anxieties). I had a large group of friends…played nice with everyone on the playground. I got into my school of choice…became an education major (just like mom), and graduated with honors. I was offered the graduate assistant position…so grad school was free.
So here I am…looking for a job. It’s not being handed to me…go figure. I’m not saying that I didn’t work hard…because I worked my ass off. But I know that most of my current success stems from opportunities provided for me.
So yes, if I stayed in this town I would have a teaching job. I have the connections. So why am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? It’s a recession. I’m being a dick.
I just want a fresh start. I want that feeling you get when no one knows you, like you can start over…smooth down your rough edges. So people can see a more polished you…they don’t know that you are socially awkward…or swear too much…or end up being mean when you tell a joke. You can be a better you.
I want a chance to fail. To reside somewhere without a safety net. I have to know if I’m even capable of it. I worry sometimes…that I’m too dependent upon those in my life.
I feel terrible because the people in this town are worth staying for, I don’t know what I would have done without them. But I can’t grow here. I can feel myself…stuck, unmoving. I can’t stay here.
And maybe I’ll wind up somewhere that doesn’t reach my fantasies. Maybe I’ll simply carry that baggage to a new town…but I have to try.
I’m going to be melodramatic…but I have to write this down.
I’m very happy, but I’m also lonely. I’m going to be 24 next week…still single…still fucking unkissed. I just fucking fantasize about holding a guy’s hand…or watching a movie together with his arms around me. I imagine what it must feel like to have someone’s face close to yours…with a look in their eye that is only for you. Someone who can look past all these damn walls I’ve put up…it’s such a damn cliche but I know they’re there.
I realized the other day that most of my fantasies are me, but a better version of me. How do you imagine someone caressing your face when you have acne? So in my dream world I have flawless skin…and weigh ten pounds lighter…and I’m not even sure it’s me. I’m sure I’m not the only one that has issues…I just need to write this down.
I was never a sad drunk…I think it’s because I save it all up for when I’m alone…at my computer…typing…you’re welcome.
I’m pretty sure I deserve better…and I know it won’t happen here. I can’t wait anymore.
I need a fucking fresh start.